Happiness is what life is about. I believe that. If we (yes: we, and others) can’t have some level of happiness in and with our lives, what’s the point? I can sense that not everyone is going to agree with me on this, but let’s see if we can tease out what happiness is, what can make us happy, and what some objections might be to this whole happiness thing.
What is happiness?
Is it synonymous with joy or well-being? Contentment? Bliss? Fulfillment? I have my own preference for the word happiness, though I also use the word well-being if the people that I am talking to don’t like the word happiness. I don’t want to spend my life arguing semantics. I also really like the term life satisfaction, since those two words can cover so much, including how we feel now and how we feel about the future. This question, from the World Values Survey, gets to the heart of things: “All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?” That’s good.
Should we try to be happy?
Yes. Of course! Maybe you think that it doesn’t matter as much as other values, but I would argue that it contributes, in a virtuous cycle, to other worthy values. Other values become so much easier to act on when we are happy.
But is happiness too focused on the present, to the detriment of the future? Maybe that’s why I like the World Values Survey question so much when it says “as a whole.” In my mind that takes the future into consideration.
Sometimes we make tradeoffs between the short-term and the long-term. And behaviors that incorporate some ideas of sacrifice or pain or suffering can work toward us having a better overall perspective on life in sometimes complex ways. So certainly we can learn from those people and those views that put more emphasis on the future. Let’s be willing to adjust how we talk and think about those things.
On the other hand, people that are too focused on the future might also not focus enough on the day-to-day things that make life more fun and joyful and meaningful. For example, if I don’t exercise, I get grumpy, accomplish less, look not as good, feel not as good, and don’t have as much energy to help others and myself. So don’t give weight to the ideas of a person who might judge you for the basic self-care of exercise or of eating your lunch at a regular time with friends or whatever.
Us vs. them
Is life about ourselves? Or is life about others? Do you really believe that I am going to pick just one of those? No, I didn’t think so.
Aligning your own actions to your own happiness is good, in general, just as caring about others is also good, in general. Excessive focus on just a narrow subset of people (including the subset of just one person, which could be ourselves!) is, in my opinion, a huge lost opportunity. Even if our belief system includes such a narrow focus, I would argue that the world will be worse off if we maintain that narrow focus, since there is so much interconnection in the world.
Let’s consider someone that we’ll call YOLO guy. “You only live once! Life is about me! Screw everyone else!” You probably know some people in your life who are closer to that end of the spectrum. How can that go wrong? Well, isn’t that basically narcissism? Are the narcissists among us the happiest people that we know? Not by a long shot. They seem to lack connection and the knowledge of self and others that connection brings. If you want to be happy, don’t be a narcissist.
What about those who always put others first? This sounds better, and most of the time I feel that this can be very worthy and worthwhile. But which of us can literally always set aside our dreams and needs for others over the long term? Those people tend to be resentful, grumpy complainers. It turns out that the givers among us tend also to be the ones that are exercising good self-care. They need that foundation of rejuvenation in order to keep giving, lest they burn out or otherwise just share their grumpiness with others.
So this sounds like the way to go for me: have the self awareness to know what makes you happy, including the likelihood that focusing on yourself too much can make you unhappy.
You might consider the happiness of others as a key part of life, or you might just consider it a nice side effect, but the end result is that, yes, you do need to (and get to!) care about others.
How Can We Be Happy?
There’s apparently still debate about aspects of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but who could argue against the idea that we are going to enjoy our lives more if we have our basic physiological needs met (water, food, sleep, shelter, etc)? Or that physical safety and emotional safety are going to make us happier? Or that “belonging” and “friends” are better than disconnectedness and loneliness? Not me.
Consider swapping out some of your activities for others that align more to happiness. I’ve never seen the show Breaking Bad. Did I miss out a bit of camaraderie when others were telling me how great the show was? Yes. Is it worth it to me to watch 60 hours just to catch up? Maybe? Personally (and just as one example) it’s more valuable to me to practice piano. Making music provides me with intellectual stimulation, it lets me get into flow, and it opens up social activities in ways that lots of consumption of media doesn’t. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t watch TV or movies, especially if you are doing it with someone. But exchanging some binge time for learning a new skill or taking up a hobby or exercising your mind and body is likely to be worth it.
Certain activities are especially effective at working together toward improving our well-being. For instance, what if you join an adult sports league? You get connections and exercise. Take a group dance class or join a show choir? Connection, learning, exercise, and accomplishment. Lean into these synergies.
There’s not one rule book for happiness. For instance, apparently we are happier when we live in a society and a culture that does a good job of helping others to meet their needs. At the same time, seeing others do much better than ourselves can erode some of our happiness if we are not careful. We don’t need to hide from nuance, and we should stay curious about what motivates us and helps us feel better, and we should stay curious about things to avoid. That might mean deleting your Facebook account. That might mean reducing your alcohol consumption. That might even mean changing the dynamics of a relationship or sticking up for yourself despite some conflict that will arise.
Our biology works against us
That college degree or work promotion that you worked so hard for? Your wedding, which seemed like a perfect day? That amazing steak dinner? Those things can bring us great satisfaction. And amazing experiences can have a lasting positive effect. But they typically don’t sustain us. Our biology is such that we forget things. We get used to things.
Sometimes we need reminders that what we have is amazing. Two ways come to mind that can help us to remember: 1) hedonic reset, and 2) intentional thought and remembrance.
To say that we are on a hedonic treadmill is to recognize that we get used to things. That’s a great feature for those things that might otherwise pull us down permanently, but it is no bueno that we get used to many things that used to bring us great pleasure. This has to do with our biology, including our internal reward systems, such as dopamine. Our brains don’t really want us to be content. We never arrive at being happy because we literally always need more something to keep living, even if that is just food and water. Stupid brain.
It turns out that we can fight back. I like the example of going backpacking, which is super fun anyway, and the exercise (and hopefully some good connection with others) is great for us. But sleeping on the ground? Not showering for 3 days? That doesn’t sound so fun. But what happens when you get back home? That shower is AMAZING. That bed, which you literally never think about? It’s the best thing ever. If we don’t insulate ourselves from discomfort, we can get a nice boost. A hedonic reset.
Gratitude journaling can also help. I’ll admit that I haven’t made this a priority in my life, though I hope to add that as a habit some day.
What can you do today to improve your life satisfaction?
What’s it going to be? I can’t tell you, though I could talk through it with you. Take stock of your day, and try to really understand how you feel. Take a class. Curl up with a good book and plan to actually go to that book club. Look for a better job. Reach out to people to wish them a happy birthday. Buy someone a drink. Tip extra. Connect. Be generous with your time and money, if you can. Sip your tea and watch the birds in the backyard. See a personal coach or a therapist to improve your relationships and your resiliency. Accept the imperfection of yourself and others. Volunteer.
Do you know that you are worth it? Well, you are.
What will you do today to be happier?